In February I knew that real change would be happening, although I didn't know when, or what that would look like entirely. All I can say is God told me to be prepared.
I also returned to work at the tree farm, only to realize just how unhappy I was there, and that something needed to change.
In March I resigned my position of nearly 10 years, and took a very different job, in a very different setting. Subsequently, in April I started commuting to Calgary, dressing like a girl for work, and along the way I gained a lot of self-confidence.
When I started my new job in April, I soon realized just how desperately needed that change had been, and how unhealthy I had been, emotionally and mentally. I spent most of the spring simply enjoying being excited about life, feeling motivated and creative, and generally feeling great about life! It was a really good experience.
In May and June some more the changes that would take place in my life this year became evident. My mentor and very good friend Evan announced that he would be leaving his position as the youth pastor at our church, to start a church plant in Chestermere. This also had implications for me, as the church council approached me about taking on the Youth Pastor position on an interim basis, until a permanent replacement could be found.
This was an exciting opportunity - I knew without a doubt that it was what I was meant and called to do, but it was also very emotional. I felt very inadequate. At the same time, I was feeling very sad about the reality of a change in an important relationship. I was a basket case for about a month, as I dealt with all of these changing realities.
Through the summer, I began preparing myself for starting work at the church in the fall, but more importantly, I enjoyed myself and did fun things in the summer for the first time in years. A rafting trip with our youth, a trip to Ontario to spend time with my family, taking in the Calgary Stampede, and the Strathmore Rodeo, and a camping trip with some of my closest friends were some of the things that made the summer great.
In September I started my position at the church. The beginning of the fall was characterized by stress, anxiety, and several times of thinking 'whose big idea was this anyway?' Had I not been so certain that this was where God wanted me, I may have lost it all together.
In reality, the transition went smoothly and much more easily than I had anticipated.
Looking back over the year, and all that has happened, I think that if anyone had suggested to me that this is where I would find myself today, I would have laughed in their face!
This also makes me think that it is by God's grace that we don't know all the things that our lives will bring ahead of time. I imagine had I known all that I would go through in 2010, I may have been tempted to go to bed on New Year's Eve, pull the covers over my head, and never wake up.
How often do we think 'I wish I knew what to expect'. I have learned this year that knowing everything that was to come would probably cause me more stress than not knowing. I am convinced that I would constantly live in a place of anxiety, not being able to live in the present, or enjoy the journey. By not knowing, I have learned further to trust God, and have experienced God's grace and faithfulness in new ways. The journey hasn't been easy or fun all the time, but I'm still really glad I didn't sleep through 2010.
Garth Brooks sang the song 'The Dance', and the lyrics from the chorus came to mind as I reflected. I think it's also appropriate to use a country song, in light of the picture above, from the camping trip with my friends in August.
'And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance'
Happy New Year everyone! I wish you a 2011 filled with adventure, challenge and surprise.
Live every moment and embrace the unknown.
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