Valentine's Day

I've never had a hard Valentine's Day before. My birthday is 2 days away, and that has always overshadowed any lonely or self-pitying thoughts that have threatened. I've had years when I've thought 'well, that would be nice', but not like today, when I was sad – a deep, profound, heart-wrenching sad.

You see, last year at this time, I had hope for a relationship with someone who I care deeply about. I went into 2016 with my priority for the year being to 'love deeply' – not just that one particular person – all of the people in my life, but that included this one person. I worked hard to love deeply; to get to know him better, to allow him to get to know me, to show him that I care for him, to put myself in front of him as consistently as possible, creating and allowing for opportunities for this relationship to grow. And it did grow. It grew a lot. We spent a lot of time together. We ate meals together, served together, laughed together, challenged each other, hung out with friends together, traveled together, adventured together, talked a lot and about a lot of different things, and we became part of each other's lives.

But just before Christmas I needed to know where we stood – this was a conversation that hadn't been had between us before. I knew it was likely that he wasn't feeling the same depth that I was, but I was also hopeful that we might have been on the same path, even if I was a little further along. I needed some clarity if I was going to continue investing in the relationship as I had been.

In a moment of courage I didn't know I possessed I broached the subject and said 'I need to be honest with you about how I'm feeling...' I loved getting to know him better, spending time with him, and the challenge was that every time we were together, I simply wanted more. More time, more getting to know him, more of his heart, more of his care for me. The heart-wrenching response was that he didn't want the more I wanted. He values my friendship, enjoys spending time with me, and respects me. But he doesn't want more. Not right now, maybe not ever, and I shouldn't wait for him.

And so my heart has been hurting. And it continues to hurt on this day that is all about love and care. Whether that love and care is for all people and relationships or not, there is no denying that there is an emphasis placed on romantic love and affection on this day. And so today was hard, because I don't have that relationship that I was looking forward to and hoping for last year. I know I am loved. I have so many wonderful people in my life, and friends who care so deeply for me, and who have taken such good care of me along this journey. But there is still that one relationship that seems to be lacking. Missing. There's a void I'd hoped would be smaller or different or gone altogether and it feels bigger today than ever.

One year

One year ago today I left Winnipeg to move back to Alberta.

On that day so much was unknown.  I had a place to live, but no job yet.  I wasn't sure which church community I'd call home, or what other opportunities would await me.  It was disconcerting, leaving the known for the uncertain.  In spite of feeling as though I was going 'home', not everything was simple or easy.

I'm often aware of the things I want, and have to remind myself that this may not be what God has for me.  And in that too, when our opinions differ, God's is the one I need to surrender to.  I sometimes grow fearful when I know what I want, anxious that I may not be able to allow God to move, lead and direct me.  This was certainly the case as I made the decision to come home.

In many ways it was an easy decision to make.  I was homesick, desperate to visit my dear friends here. Job opportunities were better. I was longing to see the familiar landscape once more; to feel anchored and comforted by the mountains on the western horizon.  

In other ways it was difficult to make the decision to leave Winnipeg.  I was choosing to move away from some wonderful friends whom I love and who love me.  I felt comfortable and at home in my neighbourhood. My job presented some unique opportunities and challenges, and allowed me to work with some of the most fun people I've ever met.  These were things I considered losses as I moved away.

I think back on my time in Winnipeg and recognize God's presence as being very prevalent.  I was so well-cared for when I needed it so acutely but didn't recognize that need.  Things I hadn't thought about or recognized about myself were provided for and accommodated with so much grace and generosity.  While it was not an easy year of life, it was a good year.

And now, I couldn't have imagined a year like the one that has passed since then.

I landed a job that I love, using my gifts and skills and working alongside great people
I have found a wonderful church community at Lake Ridge
I have made some amazing new friends
Many friendships I enjoyed before I moved away have deepened
I have taken so many adventures
There have been so many opportunities to serve, love and lead
I have been challenged to envision and embrace a future different than I'd imagined
I have grown and have been stretched
I have taken risks and left my comfort zone

When I think about all of this, I see God's faithfulness.  Geography doesn't affect this - God is no less present there than here.  Life is different, circumstances change and challenges are everywhere, but God is always there, caring for us, providing for the needs we don't even know we have, and walking with us through it all.

I recognize the year in Winnipeg as an important season.  It was not a mistake, although it might be easy to think that, when I was only there for 1 year.  But that 1 year served purposes beyond what I could have imagined.  As much as there was challenge and pain, there was healing and growth.  I needed to move away, and I needed to move back home.  

These years have shaped me and have opened me up to new opportunities and realities I likely would not have considered had I not been physically removed from this place.  I am so thankful for the ways in which God takes care of us.  

I am so glad to be home.

It's a New Year!

I've learned something about myself this fall.  Actually, I've learned a lot more than one thing, but more on that later.  What I've learned is that if something is all over facebook, like a video or something, I'm not likely to watch it or check it out.  At first.  Days or weeks later, I'll go hunting back, hoping to find what everyone is talking about or the post that piqued my interest, but I was determined not to be 'one of those people...'. So this isn't a typical New Year's post about resolutions, because I can't allow myself to be typical, I guess. But I have decided that I want to be more intentional about blogging again, mostly because I sense that there is some personal growth I need.  Some of that is in the area of discipline, some of that is in just forcing myself to reflect and be mindful of certain things or areas.  

I'm starting a new chapter this week.  I'm returning to work tomorrow.  Before Christmas I worked 7 days at my new job, and tomorrow marks the beginning of my new normal.  Routine, normal life and a realization that this is my life right now, and I need to live it.  I feel a bit like the last months have flown by, and I haven't really been living.  That needs to change.  So I'm starting by sharing the Christmas letter I wrote to my family this year. 

       I can't believe we are in the season of Advent once again! It has felt, at times, that 2013 was just crawling along, and at other times it has just flown by. 2013 has been a year of incredible change and challenge in my life.

At the end of January I was notified that my position as Interim Youth Pastor at Hope Community Covenant Church would not be included in the budget beyond June 30, and so I would be unemployed at that point. This was a complete surprise to me, and took me several moments to feel the full weight of this decision. Very quickly, I had some very big decisions to make. Questions like 'where will I live?' 'What will I do?' 'How will I pay my bills?' It was pretty overwhelming. An amazing gift at that time was a trip to San Diego where I attended a conference for Pastors in the Evangelical Covenant Church, and took my first class towards becoming a licensed Pastor. This trip was an opportunity to share with, and be supported by some of my closest friends during those first days of realizing that my entire life was about to change.

I moved out of my apartment at the end of April, which was the first step of a long, 4 month period of gradual transition. I went to live with a friend from college in Airdrie and commuted from there during my last 2 months on staff at Hope. I felt that this was a good way to slowly say goodbye to Strathmore, and gradually create some distance between me and the church as well. During the spring I also made the decision that my new home would be made in Winnipeg. I have several friends that live here, and the school I hope to attend in order to complete my Masters of Divinity is a short drive outside the city. It just seemed to make sense. Details came together for me to move here, including finding a roommate to share a home with.

I finished work on June 26 and the very next day began driving towards Ontario, with stops in Winnipeg for the weekend, and Iron Mountain, Michigan, where dear friends of mine live. During my time in Winnipeg, I was delighted to find that I actually like this city. I had only driven through previously, and had no sense of whether or not it was a city I would want to live in. I was surprised by lots of trees, cozy neighbourhoods, and street after street of old homes, which I love. My roommate Karissa and I spent some time driving around, identifying which neighbourhoods would be the best for us to live in when the time came. From Winnipeg I drove to Michigan, and spent a wonderful day with friends Dan and Sally, who drove me around, explaining history and the showing me the sights of the area, and we had a wonderful time reconnecting and enjoying each others company. Our friendship seems to be the kind that time and distance don't affect. We had also enjoyed a wonderful time together in San Diego last year, and I will see them once more this year, as I drive back to Ontario for Christmas.

I spent the entire month of July in Ontario, spending lots of time with my family, reconnecting with friends, and relaxing. In all, I was gone from June 27 to August 13. I found myself drawn to the water, and was able to see all 5 great lakes. I visited several beaches, and loved the hot, humid Ontario summer, while Alberta was cool and wet. The time away was a gracious gift, a welcome 'downtime' before the big move to Winnipeg, and another intense time of transition. I must say though, that after 7 weeks on the road and 4 months of being 'homeless', I was very ready to be settled again, even in a brand new environment. I put about 16,000 km on my car during those 7 weeks, and was quite happy to just 'be still' for a while when I returned to Winnipeg.

Karissa and I found an apartment that we both love, in a great neighbourhood that is convenient for both of us. We moved in on a hot, humid day, with the assistance of some amazing, sacrificial friends to whom we are forever indebted. Someone commented that the building had smelled good before we started moving in – we were all more than ready for showers by the end of the move in, mostly thanks to the fact that our apartment is on the top floor of a 4-storey walk-up... We laughed a lot that day, and I only nearly cried. Since then, I have found myself to be happy here, in Winnipeg. I had anticipated feeling homesick for Alberta, but that has not been the case. I look forward to going back to visit, and maybe even live one day, but for now I am happy living in Winnipeg.

I began school, as planned in September, but ended up withdrawing from my classes because I wasn't finding work as quickly as I had hoped. I wasn't able to devote the time to doing a proper job search while I was taking 3 classes. By dropping just 1 class I became ineligible for student loans. I ended up (quickly) making the decision to withdraw from all classes, and put school on hold for the moment. This decision brought more relief than disappointment. I was enjoying learning and studying, and I was doing well with staying on top of things, but at the end of the day, I just don't think the timing was right. While my goals haven't changed, I'm not sure that full time school will be a reality for me any time soon.

Not being in school has allowed me to do a much better and more thorough job of looking for work, and allowed me an open calendar for scheduling interviews and meetings. There have been plenty of interviews, and a few times I had rough days when I wondered if this season of unemployment was ever going to end. Probably the most challenging part of moving to Winnipeg has been learning and understanding how to work within a very different job market than what I was used to in Alberta. 2 or 3 interviews for an Administrative Assistant position is perfectly normal in Winnipeg, whereas in Alberta I have been offered a position during my first interview. The competition for a position has been evident and I have a few times been frustrated by going to an interview, having it go very well, and not getting the position. There has been a steep learning curve to say the least.

I am happy to say that just this afternoon (Dec. 6) I was offered a position, which I have accepted. I will be working as a Property Manager with a small, family owned company in a small town just outside Winnipeg. It feels like a great opportunity with a company that is growing quickly – certain plenty of opportunity for me to advance in the future, and grow with the company.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't glad this chapter of transition is over. I am happy to live within a structured schedule and routine again. I am incredibly thankful also, for the free time this fall, which allowed me to get to know and find my away around this city. My GPS system has been put to the test many times, and I'm now feeling quite comfortable running errands and driving many places without it. I am settling into a new (and quite different) church community. Holy Community is just a year old, and as a church plant, there are new and exciting challenges. I have enjoyed meeting new people, making new friends, and being constantly supported and encouraged by this group of people; another gift.

While this year has not at all been what I had anticipated at this time last year, I can honestly say that it has been good. I have continued learning about myself, and about God. I have experienced his faithfulness in ways I had never thought I would need to. In all the places I have gone, from Strathmore to San Diego to Belleville to Winnipeg to Atlanta (this coming week), God has been with me, revealing himself to me through his faithfulness, his providing friends and support systems, and through his creation. His providence has been perfect, even if I would have chosen different timing.

My prayer for you and your family, as we enter into Advent – the season of expectation of the coming of the Messiah, is that you too have experienced God's grace, faithfulness and providence in the good and challenging parts of 2013. As you celebrate the birth of Christ, may you know the peace of Jesus' presence with you, and may 2014 be filled with blessings, whatever shape those take.

Love,

Corinne

Change is coming. Oh wait, it's here...

So several months ago I wrote about looking forward to change and challenge and in this post about God kicking my butt.

I wrote the second post the day after I found out that I wouldn't have a job after the end of June.  

And so here I am, in the midst of this change and challenge I said I was looking forward to this year.  What was I thinking?  This was definitely not what I had in mind...  As I said back then, be careful what you wish for.

In 3 weeks I will no longer hold the position of Interim Youth Pastor at Hope.  I will be homeless, jobless and essentially living out of my car for the next 2 months.  And I'm looking forward to it!  

Hold on, I don't want to jump ahead.  

2 days ago I had lunch with a friend and for the first time told her some of what was transpiring in my life.  She suspected that I wasn't being completely honest with my emotions because I was seemingly speaking from a script.  In reality, I have had 4 months to get used to this idea, I have become absolutely convinced that this is part of God's plan for me, and for Hope, and I can accept that while I wouldn't have chosen this, God has my very best in mind.  

What didn't get said in the last post is that God was preparing me for this.  I found out on a Friday afternoon that my position was being cut.  On Thursday I had participated in a webinar during which the presenter had said 'As Pastors striving to live out your call, if you are not experiencing some level of anxiety, you're probably not living out your call'.  I heard those words, thought about my situation, and realized that I was pretty darn comfortable.  I wasn't experiencing any anxiety on an on-going basis.

The day before, Wednesday, I'd had coffee with a dear friend and explained that I was feeling compelled to make plans for after I was finished at Hope.  The internal dialogue that took place went something like this: 'You need to figure out what you're going to do when you're done at Hope.  Work?  School?  Secular work?  Ministry?  Move?  Stay?' To which my conscious response was 'that's stupid.  It's a year and a half away.  Stop thinking about this...' Oops.

And the weekend before I'd participated in a prayer retreat at church.  We spend much time that weekend meditating on scripture and practicing listening prayer in response to the scriptures we'd read.  We read 3 or 4 passages throughout the weekend and each time I listened to God following the Bible reading, I heard these words: 'Corinne, I am going to be asking more and bigger things of you, and these will be things that won't be comfortable for you.'

Seriously.  All of this in the week before I found out my position was being cut.  So God was moving, preparing me, and getting me ready for what he knew was coming.  Because of this, I can more easily accept and embrace this change in a way that some might not expect.  

I really am okay with it.

But, I am also sad.  

In 3 weeks I will leave the beautiful province of Alberta.  I never thought I'd miss it, but in the past few weeks, as my departure draws closer, I notice that I love so many things about this province.  I love seeing the mountains in the west even though I live on the prairies.  I don't need to go to them to enjoy them - I just need to see them.  I love rodeos and The Stampede, the innumerable pick up trucks and cattle liners, the sight of canola blooming against a bright blue sky at the end of July.  I love being able to see for miles and the long sunsets in the summer.  I love that seeing cowboy hats and wranglers is perfectly normal, and that these are not actually cliches of country music.  They are real life here.

I love the rhythms and predictability and unpredictability of our weather; that it really only rains in June, that it storms in late June and July, and there might be tornadoes, that snow is never not a possibility, that it can be sunny and -40 or sunny and +40, I love the chinooks, the crippling snow storms, the amazing phenomenon of the sun shining under the clouds, making them look impossibly dark and scary, and that you truly can experience 4 seasons in 1 day.

I will leave the town that has been home for nearly 10 years, my only home as an adult.  I am leaving a town that is very familiar to me.  I am leaving a town that has character and personality (this should read the almost constant smell of cow crap and too many stop signs to count).  There are so many good memories here - homes shared with friends who became roommates and roommates who became friends, my first apartment, birthdays, weddings, babies and all sorts of other fun and great memories.

I will leave the church community that has invested so much in me, and that God has used to shape me and form me, to grow my gifts, my talents and my confidence.  It was at Hope that I experienced my call to ministry, came to the place of acceptance of that reality, and took the (huge) first step of obedience to that call.  This community is where my faith has been challenged, shaped and has become more true and real.

I am leaving students who I love so much, even though they don't believe me when I tell them that.  They make me laugh very often, I have cried over them because I want so badly for them to know how much they are loved, and we have had SO. MUCH. FUN.  I have learned so much and have been challenged by them.  They have given me context for my purpose for the last 9 years and I can't even begin to imagine what my life is going to be like without them in it.

In all of this, God is gracious.  I am already looking forward to many things.  A summer off from work, to spend with family and friends.  A new home.  A new community of faith.  New friends, and getting to live close to some old friends.  A new journey of learning (starting my M. Div in the fall), and a new city and province to explore and learn to love.  (If you've had a great experience in Winnipeg, I'd love to hear about it!  If you've had an experience that was less than great, keep it to yourself please...)  

I'm excited to rest.  I don't think I recognize the toll that the last years of this journey have taken on me.  I feel like I have been given so many gifts from the God who cares for us and keeps us.

God is Kicking My Butt

Last Tuesday, during our staff meeting, we were asked to talk about something that is encouraging us, and something that is also challenging us. I answered both questions with the same answer: God is kicking my butt.  

Last weekend we had a prayer retreat of sorts at church.  It was a great time of learning and listening, and it was through the course of the weekend that I had a strong sense of God saying to me 'Corinne, I am going to be asking more and bigger things of you, and these will be things that won't be comfortable for you.'  Great.  

So I explained on Tuesday morning, that this is an encouragement, because while I'm freaking out, God has way more faith in me, and what I can do with him, than I have in myself.  That is truly encouraging, if not terrifying.

And the challenge side of this is that God is once more asking me to be willing to move outside of my comfort zone, do things I'm not crazy about doing, and go on another adventure with him.  My immediate response is to run and hide, pretend I didn't hear anything, ignore that nudging voice in my head.  But my name's not Jonah, and I don't want to end up where he did...

So I'm trying to be okay with this.  I'm trying to be open, and just accept what God's got for me, even though I have no clue what it is yet.

Oh, and that change and challenge that I said I was looking forward to when I wrote last time?  Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for.  Nothing I can share yet, but stay tuned.

Insert Stereotypical New Year's Post Title Here

Aaah, my poor neglected blog.  It's been over a year.  And what a (over a year) it's been!  I am totally okay with leaving 2012 behind, although it was a great year.

So much unexpected change and challenge
So much joy and yet sadness
So much learning, and
So much fun.

2012 in my books can pretty much be summed up this way:  I preached a sermon on New Year's day, asking the questions 

        Can you give up this year to God, and give God the opportunity to show you the things in your life that he is wanting to transform? 
        Can you offer up your life, and all that you have as a gift, and ask God what it is he is asking of you?

Well, as 2012 unfolded, these questions all took on different meaning, and gained a lot of significance.

I closed the year by preaching on Dec. 23 about peace, and how we can experience peace in the midst of the non-peace of our lives - the busyness, messiness, unpredictability and stress.  This year I have learned what that looks like, and how it is possible for that to happen.  I'm not saying I've got it down to a science, or that I live a peaceful existence at all times, but 2012 was a year of learning about experiencing peace outside of peaceful circumstances.

 

I'm not one for making new years resolutions, and I'm definitely less of one to keep them, but here are some things I'm looking forward to in 2013:

Reading more (this is so very desperately needed)
More change and challenge (this is fun because I have no control over it!)
more learning (starting with taking my first class towards being licensed as a Pastor in the Evangelical Covenant Church)
And more fun.  Lots and lots more fun.

With any luck, you'll actually hear about it this year ; )

Reflections on Summer

I am trying to reconcile myself to the fact that summer is over.  I'm not happy about it.  I haven't been looking forward to fall (the weather, mostly).  This summer was such a gift to me.


I had allowed myself to become quite burnt out by June (well, February really, but I pushed through until June).  I had commented to someone a while back that we really are capable of far too much all on our own.  I proved myself right. When I should have been taking more time to rest and take care of myself, I was doing all that I could to stay afloat.  This summer has really been a time of resting, relaxing, enjoying a (somewhat) slower pace, and taking a break from the (crazy) routine and schedule that dictates my life the rest of the year.


I went on my first real vacation!  What a wonderful two weeks those were.  And although there were things I would do differently (less days of driving 9+ hours a day, more beach...) I loved nearly every minute of it.  And now I keep thinking back to those 2 weeks.  Because even though our programs and other activities haven't really started yet, life is getting crazy.  My jaw is almost constantly tense, and I can't do anything to relax it.  (It's driving me crazy.  Seriously.)  It turns into really tight neck and shoulders, and I'm pretty sure the whole situation is just perpetuated.


The things my mind keeps returning to from my vacation are:


Trinity Center, CA (on Trinity Lake, in Trinity County, fed by Trinity River.  Do you sense a theme here?)  This tiny little town of 200 people stole my heart with it's sad, painful history, but bright, optimistic attitude.  


It was there that I heard and met Aimee Nolte, a brilliant Jazz musician who grew up in neighbouring Weaverville.  She could have been Norah Jones, if I didn't know better.  Amazing voice.  (And now we're friends on facebook!)  I bought one of her CD's, and her voice draws me back to the lake shore where she performed.


Mostly, I think I keep remembering the restful and relaxing pace (when I wasn't driving 9+ hours a day).  I had 4 beautiful days in one spot in California.  It was so good to just sit and be.  The weather was stunning (35 degrees, which is pretty much perfect in my books).


In 2 months this summer, I put 10,000 km on my car!  I went to the camp where I'm on the board of directors 3 times, I drove to northern Saskatchewan to visit an old friend from Camp Chestermere (this trip is an annual tradition, and this was the fifth year running).  I don't know where else I all went, but I had a lot of fun and still managed to get some work done.  


I read a couple of books.  A couple is a couple less than I'd hoped, but it's better than nothing.  I went to 2 rodeos (Calgary and Strathmore), both of which were great fun.


I'm getting to the point where I'm excited about some things about fall (just not fall itself, or the weather.)  I'm looking forward to seeing my students consistently again.  I MISS THEM!  I'm looking forward to sharing some of the things God's been teaching me, and putting on my heart.  I'm looking forward to some opportunities to connect with some pastor friends; they're people who care for me and challenge me in ways no one else can.  They are gifts from God to me.


And today I booked tickets to go to Ontario for Christmas.  I am so excited to spend Christmas with these cuties:

My niece Natalie and my nephew Gavin.  I can't wait to give them hugs, kisses, and all sorts of presents! (It's my job as Auntie.  I couldn't possibly let them down.)


And I might be looking forward to seeing these fine folks as well:

So I guess fall maybe isn't that bad.  It brings us Christmas.  And in my case family. 


Okay, I guess I'll be alright.