I wrote the second post the day after I found out that I wouldn't have a job after the end of June.
And so here I am, in the midst of this change and challenge I said I was looking forward to this year. What was I thinking? This was definitely not what I had in mind... As I said back then, be careful what you wish for.
In 3 weeks I will no longer hold the position of Interim Youth Pastor at Hope. I will be homeless, jobless and essentially living out of my car for the next 2 months. And I'm looking forward to it!
Hold on, I don't want to jump ahead.
2 days ago I had lunch with a friend and for the first time told her some of what was transpiring in my life. She suspected that I wasn't being completely honest with my emotions because I was seemingly speaking from a script. In reality, I have had 4 months to get used to this idea, I have become absolutely convinced that this is part of God's plan for me, and for Hope, and I can accept that while I wouldn't have chosen this, God has my very best in mind.
What didn't get said in the last post is that God was preparing me for this. I found out on a Friday afternoon that my position was being cut. On Thursday I had participated in a webinar during which the presenter had said 'As Pastors striving to live out your call, if you are not experiencing some level of anxiety, you're probably not living out your call'. I heard those words, thought about my situation, and realized that I was pretty darn comfortable. I wasn't experiencing any anxiety on an on-going basis.
The day before, Wednesday, I'd had coffee with a dear friend and explained that I was feeling compelled to make plans for after I was finished at Hope. The internal dialogue that took place went something like this: 'You need to figure out what you're going to do when you're done at Hope. Work? School? Secular work? Ministry? Move? Stay?' To which my conscious response was 'that's stupid. It's a year and a half away. Stop thinking about this...' Oops.
And the weekend before I'd participated in a prayer retreat at church. We spend much time that weekend meditating on scripture and practicing listening prayer in response to the scriptures we'd read. We read 3 or 4 passages throughout the weekend and each time I listened to God following the Bible reading, I heard these words: 'Corinne, I am going to be asking more and bigger things of you, and these will be things that won't be comfortable for you.'
Seriously. All of this in the week before I found out my position was being cut. So God was moving, preparing me, and getting me ready for what he knew was coming. Because of this, I can more easily accept and embrace this change in a way that some might not expect.
I really am okay with it.
But, I am also sad.
In 3 weeks I will leave the beautiful province of Alberta. I never thought I'd miss it, but in the past few weeks, as my departure draws closer, I notice that I love so many things about this province. I love seeing the mountains in the west even though I live on the prairies. I don't need to go to them to enjoy them - I just need to see them. I love rodeos and The Stampede, the innumerable pick up trucks and cattle liners, the sight of canola blooming against a bright blue sky at the end of July. I love being able to see for miles and the long sunsets in the summer. I love that seeing cowboy hats and wranglers is perfectly normal, and that these are not actually cliches of country music. They are real life here.
I love the rhythms and predictability and unpredictability of our weather; that it really only rains in June, that it storms in late June and July, and there might be tornadoes, that snow is never not a possibility, that it can be sunny and -40 or sunny and +40, I love the chinooks, the crippling snow storms, the amazing phenomenon of the sun shining under the clouds, making them look impossibly dark and scary, and that you truly can experience 4 seasons in 1 day.
I will leave the town that has been home for nearly 10 years, my only home as an adult. I am leaving a town that is very familiar to me. I am leaving a town that has character and personality (this should read the almost constant smell of cow crap and too many stop signs to count). There are so many good memories here - homes shared with friends who became roommates and roommates who became friends, my first apartment, birthdays, weddings, babies and all sorts of other fun and great memories.
I will leave the church community that has invested so much in me, and that God has used to shape me and form me, to grow my gifts, my talents and my confidence. It was at Hope that I experienced my call to ministry, came to the place of acceptance of that reality, and took the (huge) first step of obedience to that call. This community is where my faith has been challenged, shaped and has become more true and real.
I am leaving students who I love so much, even though they don't believe me when I tell them that. They make me laugh very often, I have cried over them because I want so badly for them to know how much they are loved, and we have had SO. MUCH. FUN. I have learned so much and have been challenged by them. They have given me context for my purpose for the last 9 years and I can't even begin to imagine what my life is going to be like without them in it.
In all of this, God is gracious. I am already looking forward to many things. A summer off from work, to spend with family and friends. A new home. A new community of faith. New friends, and getting to live close to some old friends. A new journey of learning (starting my M. Div in the fall), and a new city and province to explore and learn to love. (If you've had a great experience in Winnipeg, I'd love to hear about it! If you've had an experience that was less than great, keep it to yourself please...)
I'm excited to rest. I don't think I recognize the toll that the last years of this journey have taken on me. I feel like I have been given so many gifts from the God who cares for us and keeps us.
