The year that was 2010

How do you sum up a year in which so many significant things happened?  First of all, let's recap.
In February I knew that real change would be happening, although I didn't know when, or what that would look like entirely.  All I can say is God told me to be prepared.
I also returned to work at the tree farm, only to realize just how unhappy I was there, and that something needed to change. 
In March I resigned my position of nearly 10 years, and took a very different job, in a very different setting.  Subsequently, in April I started commuting to Calgary, dressing like a girl for work, and along the way I gained a lot of self-confidence.
When I started my new job in April, I soon realized just how desperately needed that change had been, and how unhealthy I had been, emotionally and mentally.  I spent most of the spring simply enjoying being excited about life, feeling motivated and creative, and generally feeling great about life!  It was a really good experience.
In May and June some more the changes that would take place in my life this year became evident.  My mentor and very good friend Evan announced that he would be leaving his position as the youth pastor at our church, to start a church plant in Chestermere.  This also had implications for me, as the church council approached me about taking on the Youth Pastor position on an interim basis, until a permanent replacement could be found.
This was an exciting opportunity - I knew without a doubt that it was what I was meant and called to do, but it was also very emotional.  I felt very inadequate.  At the same time, I was feeling very sad about the reality of a change in an important relationship.  I was a basket case for about a month, as I dealt with all of these changing realities.
Through the summer, I began preparing myself for starting work at the church in the fall, but more importantly, I enjoyed myself and did fun things in the summer for the first time in years.  A rafting trip with our youth, a trip to Ontario to spend time with my family, taking in the Calgary Stampede, and the Strathmore Rodeo, and a camping trip with some of my closest friends were some of the things that made the summer great.
In September I started my position at the church.  The beginning of the fall was characterized by stress, anxiety, and several times of thinking 'whose big idea was this anyway?'  Had I not been so certain that this was where God wanted me, I may have lost it all together. 
In reality, the transition went smoothly and much more easily than I had anticipated.

Looking back over the year, and all that has happened, I think that if anyone had suggested to me that this is where I would find myself today, I would have laughed in their face!

This also makes me think that it is by God's grace that we don't know all the things that our lives will bring ahead of time.  I imagine had I known all that I would go through in 2010, I may have been tempted to go to bed on New Year's Eve, pull the covers over my head, and never wake up.

How often do we think 'I wish I knew what to expect'.  I have learned this year that knowing everything that was to come would probably cause me more stress than not knowing.  I am convinced that I would constantly live in a place of anxiety, not being able to live in the present, or enjoy the journey.  By not knowing, I have learned further to trust God, and have experienced God's grace and faithfulness in new ways.  The journey hasn't been easy or fun all the time, but I'm still really glad I didn't sleep through 2010.

Garth Brooks sang the song 'The Dance', and the lyrics from the chorus came to mind as I reflected.  I think it's also appropriate to use a country song, in light of the picture above, from the camping trip with my friends in August. 

'And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance'

Happy New Year everyone!  I wish you a 2011 filled with adventure, challenge and surprise. 

Live every moment and embrace the unknown.

This feels a little odd...

My first blog post.  Hmmm.  Where to start.

I've been thinking about writing a blog for a while.  I used to journal a lot, and I find I am doing it less lately.  I'm not sure why.  I want to blog in hopes that there might be a little more accountability from this online community than there is from a paper notebook that doesn't talk back and never gets read by anyone except me.

Last New Years Day, my sister Janelle, brother-in-law Eric, my niece Natalie and myself walked down to the neighbourhood Starbucks (a guilty pleasure for me).  Along the way, we discussed New Years Resolutions.  I have no idea if they had made any or not, and honestly I hadn't given it much thought either.  However, when Eric asked me directly, I answered that I was resolving to 'think deeper thoughts'. 

This might sound funny to some, but to me it was about being more aware of the thoughts or assumptions that are going on in my head, and questioning them.  It was about being aware of many of the things going on in the larger world, far outside the limits of the one in which I live, here in  Strathmore.  I was not out to solve the worlds problems, although that would be pretty cool if it happened.  Mostly it was about living less superficially; it was about not always getting caught up in the surface realities of life - the to do list for the day, the immediate needs and concerns.  Rather I was trying to get past the visible life I live out loud in front of people, and access the unarticulated thoughts and questions raised by my life and the relationships I was in.

Although I have thought about this resolution here and there throughout the year, it has never been with the intentionality I had intended.  I wanted to see some of my habits change.  I wanted to live in a new awareness, a deeper place, and it hasn't happened.

Perhaps it's just not me.  Perhaps I just didn't try hard enough.  I don't know yet.  That's what this blog is about.  I'm going to try again.  And this time I'll have you for company, and a little accountability. 

So, here's my thought for today:  I was asked to reflect on the  following statement by David Benner, in his book The Gift of Being Yourself.  "We do not find our true self by seeking it.  Rather, we find it by seeking God."  My response was this:

It is only through the eyes of God - only by knowing God, that I may truly see the person I was created to be. For who knows me better than my creator?  And through whose eyes can I more clearly see myself, than through those of that creator.  Through what other eyes am I untainted by the influences of the world, be that the society I live in, my friends, or family, as well-intentioned as they may be.  The person I was created to be can only be confirmed by these external influences and cannot be given as revelations for me to accept as truth before learning this from the face of God, through my own relationship with God and the knowledge of God's character.

I have heard in the last years that 'to know yourself is to know God'.  It sounds a bit 'new agey', doesn't it?  However, I have come to whole-heartedly agree with this statement.  I think my response to the statement above explains it, or at least it makes sense to me.  Hopefully it does for you too. 

Let the conversation begin...