Valentine's Day

I've never had a hard Valentine's Day before. My birthday is 2 days away, and that has always overshadowed any lonely or self-pitying thoughts that have threatened. I've had years when I've thought 'well, that would be nice', but not like today, when I was sad – a deep, profound, heart-wrenching sad.

You see, last year at this time, I had hope for a relationship with someone who I care deeply about. I went into 2016 with my priority for the year being to 'love deeply' – not just that one particular person – all of the people in my life, but that included this one person. I worked hard to love deeply; to get to know him better, to allow him to get to know me, to show him that I care for him, to put myself in front of him as consistently as possible, creating and allowing for opportunities for this relationship to grow. And it did grow. It grew a lot. We spent a lot of time together. We ate meals together, served together, laughed together, challenged each other, hung out with friends together, traveled together, adventured together, talked a lot and about a lot of different things, and we became part of each other's lives.

But just before Christmas I needed to know where we stood – this was a conversation that hadn't been had between us before. I knew it was likely that he wasn't feeling the same depth that I was, but I was also hopeful that we might have been on the same path, even if I was a little further along. I needed some clarity if I was going to continue investing in the relationship as I had been.

In a moment of courage I didn't know I possessed I broached the subject and said 'I need to be honest with you about how I'm feeling...' I loved getting to know him better, spending time with him, and the challenge was that every time we were together, I simply wanted more. More time, more getting to know him, more of his heart, more of his care for me. The heart-wrenching response was that he didn't want the more I wanted. He values my friendship, enjoys spending time with me, and respects me. But he doesn't want more. Not right now, maybe not ever, and I shouldn't wait for him.

And so my heart has been hurting. And it continues to hurt on this day that is all about love and care. Whether that love and care is for all people and relationships or not, there is no denying that there is an emphasis placed on romantic love and affection on this day. And so today was hard, because I don't have that relationship that I was looking forward to and hoping for last year. I know I am loved. I have so many wonderful people in my life, and friends who care so deeply for me, and who have taken such good care of me along this journey. But there is still that one relationship that seems to be lacking. Missing. There's a void I'd hoped would be smaller or different or gone altogether and it feels bigger today than ever.