I've
never had a hard Valentine's Day before. My birthday is 2 days away,
and that has always overshadowed any lonely or self-pitying thoughts
that have threatened. I've had years when I've thought 'well, that
would be nice', but not like today, when I was sad – a deep,
profound, heart-wrenching sad.
You
see, last year at this time, I had hope for a relationship with
someone who I care deeply about. I went into 2016 with my priority
for the year being to 'love deeply' – not just that one particular
person – all of the people in my life, but that included this one
person. I worked hard to love deeply; to get to know him better, to
allow him to get to know me, to show him that I care for him, to put myself in front of him as
consistently as possible, creating and allowing for opportunities for
this relationship to grow. And it did grow. It grew a lot. We spent
a lot of time together. We ate meals together, served together,
laughed together, challenged each other, hung out with friends
together, traveled together, adventured together, talked a lot and about a lot of different things, and
we became part of each other's lives.
But
just before Christmas I needed to know where we stood – this was a
conversation that hadn't been had between us before. I knew it was
likely that he wasn't feeling the same depth that I was, but I was also
hopeful that we might have been on the same path, even if I was a
little further along. I needed some clarity if I was going to
continue investing in the relationship as I had been.
In a
moment of courage I didn't know I possessed I broached the subject
and said 'I need to be honest with you about how I'm feeling...' I
loved getting to know him better, spending time with him, and the
challenge was that every time we were together, I simply wanted more.
More time, more getting to know him, more of his heart, more of his
care for me. The heart-wrenching response was that he didn't want the
more I wanted. He values my friendship, enjoys spending time with me,
and respects me. But he doesn't want more. Not right now, maybe not
ever, and I shouldn't wait for him.
And so
my heart has been hurting. And it continues to hurt on this day that
is all about love and care. Whether that love and care is for all
people and relationships or not, there is no denying that there is an
emphasis placed on romantic love and affection on this day. And so
today was hard, because I don't have that relationship that I was looking
forward to and hoping for last year. I know I am loved. I have so many wonderful
people in my life, and friends who care so deeply for me, and who
have taken such good care of me along this journey. But there is
still that one relationship that seems to be lacking. Missing. There's a void I'd hoped would be smaller or different or gone altogether and it feels
bigger today than ever.
